Have there been times in your relationship when you wanted to say something to your partner and yet you didn’t say a word?
One of the most common stumbling blocks to having a healthy communication in relationships is not speaking up, not sharing our true thoughts and feelings to our significant other. Holding back and keeping silent can always lead to some form of resentment. This is the main reason why some people may have angry outbursts and blowups over some trivial things. Bags full of unspoken and unexpressed thoughts and feelings will cause damage to the relationship in the long run.
If it’s about your partner’s behaviour, staying silent also means not resolving the issues you are when you haven’t spoken about it to them. It is better to speak up to let them know what is really going on inside you, how it is affecting you when things are not okay anymore. This can give them a choice to change. Also by not speaking up, you can be letting them get away with what they are doing and enabling them to continue their behaviour. And I am going to suggest that you are also devaluing your own self-worth.
You may be thinking something like, “But I already have told them about it many times, they should have got the message by now!!!!!” You may have said it, but they have not really heard your message. Most people have their common patterns of communication. Have you considered adding to your choices to express? To learn some new and potentially more effective ways to make sure you get your message across?
So why is it hard to actually speak our minds?
I’ve gathered together some of the answers that my clients expressed to me on this common topic. Two of the main reasons is FEAR and giving up.
The fear takes a few forms.
- Fear that they might hurt their significant other’s feelings.
- Fear of the reaction they got when they spoke up in the past
- Fear that they will be dismissed, ignored, rejected and not be heard
- Fear that they can’t really put into words their authentic feelings.
It is indeed vital in every healthy relationship for both partners to speak up in a kind way that is clear enough for each partner to be positively understood. Speaking up is loving and respecting yourself enough to stand up and look out for yourself. Speaking up for yourself is not just getting the other person to change, it’s about changing the relationship dynamics to ultimately end up with a stronger healthier happier relationship.
In order for your partner to know how you’re feeling, you may need some new strategies. Here are some tips on how to can change things up to get your message across:
- Start by thinking about what you really want to say. Try writing it down. Get clarity in your own mind.
- Learn to control your mind more. The fear inside you can make up lots of reasons for you not to speak your mind and open up. Learn to go against all that and detach from the negative thoughts you might have.You can go about this by doing therapeutic journaling, or by connecting with people who can shed light and provide a mirror for you to look at your beliefs and attitudes.
- Use fear as a compass. Recognize when you feel fear, take it as a physical sensation that prevents you from expressing what you want for yourself and your relationship. Use this as a compass to move through it and speak your mind. Fear is a good indicator for areas where you have the opportunity to grow personally
- Try to pick a time and an environment that is good for both you and your partner. It wouldn’t be a good idea to talk to them after a long stressful day at work… choose a time when you both are calm and relaxed. You may even have to book a time rather than spring it upon them.
- Get help with learning new strategies to communicate that may involve getting over your fear. Speak with someone who can enhance your awareness and help you discover your self-worth.
- Create a positive big picture. Get clear on what you want your relationship to look like for the both of you. How important it is to you and create reasons to speak and learn to grow and improve communication.
- Ask your partner for help and support, tell them that you are nervous about talking to them and ask for some patience and understanding.
If you want your relationship to blossom, start making an effort to be more present with your partner and then it will eventually become a natural part of how you relate to each other. In the end, your life together will also be naturally satisfying.
Don’t make excuses for how you feel when you don’t have to…Learn to express your thoughts and feelings to your significant other, it will build mutual trust and respect that will sooner or later make for a happier and healthier relationship. Speak up and let your authentic self shine. This is where the magic begins…
If you are finding this difficult to do yourself, find the right expert that can help you. Investing in yourself to learn to confidently express yourself and make sure what you have to say is actually heard is something that applies to all people in your life.
So if you've got any questions regarding this blog or any aspect of your relationship, why not take advantage of the complimentary 30-minute session I offer. Contact Me to see how I can help you have more healthier and happier relationships. Until next time.
Keith Flynn BSc, Dip. Hyp.