Have you ever asked yourself this, How do I get my partner to understand what I’m saying? Or How do I understand what my spouse is saying?
Communicating with your partner is oftentimes frustrating. It could even be so hard that it ends up in a heated argument most of the time. What is even more troublesome is realising that the main reason why you are not effectively communicating is that you don’t actually know how to communicate to them in the first place.
There may be days when you feel so lost that you could not get your message across. Well don’t fret, you are definitely not alone! Unfortunately, how to communicate in a positive and healthy way to our partner is something that has not been taught to us. As a result, many of us end up having unproductive arguments that could eventually tarnish the relationship. Angry fighting weakens intimacy, it can create a feeling of separation and is likely to build resentment. When we practice this form of communication, it would be impossible to resolve any issue together.
The yelling, shouting, frustration, and anger can become so draining. And it sure isn’t fun! The truth of the matter is, what you are experiencing is also being experienced by most people in relationships. The earlier you acknowledge communication problems and start looking at ways to solve them, the better you will be off in the long run…
So how do you communicate effectively with your partner? This is the question being asked in different ways by many of my clients…In this week’s blog, I decided to come up with 7 of the most important ways to practice and remember to begin a clean and effective communication with your significant other:
- Before you can communicate with your partner, you first have to connect. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is distracted and their attention is elsewhere?
- Pay extra attention– it is essential that both are willing to listen to each other. Give each other a chance to speak their mind and hear them out totally without being judgemental and interrupting.
- Yelling is a NO NO– when you are trying to get a message across, don’t yell. Keep your cool… Would you like your partner to yell at you?. If you feel like you have to yell it is probably good to take a few minutes time out to calm down.
- Clarify if your partner gets your point– often times when some of us have a lot of things to say we tend to go really fast without realizing that our partner’s mind has already flown somewhere else, or is simply not keeping up. It is best to confirm their understanding of what you just expressed.
- Avoid “you” messages– Instead of using “you-centered” accusations, try to emphasize “I” – how you feel when your partner does certain things. Try to use a language that says the same thing in a different way. Describe how you feel rather than attacking them. For example, own your feeling by saying “I am feeling frustrated..” Rather than “You make me frustrated.’ or “You frustrate the hell out of me”.
- Avoid making threats– More often than not people resort to making a threat as an easy way to resolve things and would often scare their partners by mentioning “Ending the relationship or Divorce” as a way of trying to compel a desired behaviour. It may work for a short period of time but this will definitely not resolve any underlying issues. Again it is highly likely that resentment will build to a point of exploding at some point…
- Don’t dig up the past– when you’re conveying a message, stick to the present issue. Try not to bring up the past when things are heated. It will not only escalate to a whole new level of unproductive argument but will NOT resolve the original issue as well. It can be really tempting when you do get your partner’s attention, you are in the flow and seize the opportunity to get everything off your chest…. The result of this is generally not pretty.
Communication is vital for having a successful relationship. You may or may not have the first-hand knowledge on how to really communicate effectively with your significant other. You can always have these as reminders to help you start and implement in your life in order for you to significantly improve your relationships. And if you have already mastered these, then you are in a far better position than most people to communicate effectively with your partner. Here’s another blog post I wrote on communication: A Better Way To Connect.
If you still have trouble communicating with your significant other after practicing these, then it would be best to seek out help from someone who can help give you insight on the communication patterns that are occurring, so you can start changing them.
So if you've got any questions regarding this blog or any aspect of your relaionship, why not take advantage of the complimentary 30-minute session I offer. Contact Me to see how I can help you have more healthier and happier relationships. Until next time.
Keith Flynn BSc, Dip. Hyp.